Dating Apps

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FOREWORD

In response to a married couples intrigue at my ‘lifestyle’ in conversation over dinner it prompted me to write this article shortly after and I sent the link to them separately and both by email. I never heard back from the woman but the male offered to come around and change my light bulbs so to speak :)

WHY ARE YOU USING DATA APPS?

I decided to write about why and what brings me to be connecting with people using them, because of the many times I get asked the very same question. Principally why I am using dating (data) apps is to connect with people all around the world. I meet many different people, have a chat and a drink and get to know what it is they are prepared to share as humans in reality … often very different to what they portray behind what they think is the safety of their key board.

I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve been physically connected with but thats another story and its personal and private anyway. For those people that have connected with me over the years invariably have become my friend in some way, often still in my large circle of world wide connected friends and colleagues.

SO HAVE BEEN CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE?

Previously as a web designer, online learning management developer and monogamous husband with children, the interest in these applications was mainly technical - about how humans can connect through the Internet.

Then I developed an interest in the social implications such as privacy of corporations gathering vast amounts of personal information from people who seemed willing to list all of their wants and desires, and pay for it! 

Obviously whatever you put online will amass and these services all feed into each other and develop a profile on you, different to what you create about yourself. Personally, to some degree connecting with real people and communicating with them seemed far more appealing than jerking off to porn in times of frustrated anxiety or just for enjoyment, yet I didn’t meet anyone through a dating app until 2014 when I was single.

Simple version of answer - no, I did not cheat on my wife (wasnt married) nor wives when I was!

WHAT APPS DO YOU USE?

Along came Location Based Services and those platforms moved into the mobile web … and our smartphones.

I added Tinder when it first came around in 2012 to my Android phone at the time. In 2013 I heard about Grindr (which has been around since 2009) which was one of the first geo-social networking and online dating application geared towards gay, bi and trans people.

I also hear about Scruff and Bumble and … well I’ve lost count also of how many applications I’ve tested also. 

SO ARE YOU BISEXUAL?

I identify publicly as a pansexual person where I am attracted to people for who they are irrespective of their gender.

The logic behind the applications and the service are simple - you meet people use refined metadata in locations according to where you are geo-located. The rest is my own personal information and the only people that get that are the service providers who I never get to meet. Oh … also also the national security and policing agencies that drill all this information with / without our knowledge.

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ARE YOU UNSATISFIED WITH YOUR PARTNER AND THATS WHY YOU ARE ON THESE APPS?

The answer to that is quite simple. My partner and I when we first met agreed that an ethical non-monogamous relationship is the only model of relatedness that works in reality.

Over 40 years I’ve watched countless couples reach the 4 year mark and go sexless and then by the alcoholic 7 year mark they’ve cheated on their partner, had an affair or in some way repaired something thats destined to fail anyway. I’ve seen open marriages declared and the massive fights that followed and I’ve seen the results of swinging and the inevitable ‘dont-ask-dont-tell’.

Very rarely have I met someone who isn’t repeating the same failing pattern over and over and defending it by saying to themselves ‘this time I will get it right’ and ‘it was their problem that caused it to split up’. Another common one is ‘we are together for the kids’ or ‘what she does in her own time is none of my business’. The fact is if you START from a position of ethical non-monogamy and maintain that (you will never go back) you are un-mapping all that toxic societal ingrained hate and challenging yourself to be you and all of YOU!

Single, always. Together and apart.

HOW DOES SHE COPE WITH KNOWING YOU ARE CHEATING ON HER?

Easily. She isn’t cheating on me and neither am I cheating on her because first and foremost I am single.

Always.

Society tells us that when we are together we are a couple yet the reality is we are all ONE - ourself. The only perspective to consider is that in a trusting open relationship there is no cheating as you have not got enough time nor the patience to keep hiding it … and why hide it anyway?

Sharing and protecting the privacy of your lover is the greatest challenge (and thrill) of all.

DONT YOU FEEL JEALOUS IF YOU ARE BOTH FREE TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT?

Jealousy is a normal human emotion much like anger and fear.

In fact both anger and fear ARE the emotions and jealousy is just a definition for what we DO with those emotions. Jealousy is the behaviours we exhibit and its just a toxic soup if you let it take you over. In an ethically non-monogamous relationship you are checking in on your partner constantly and if they are falling away then theres a sure sign your own relatedness needs to be addressed first.

By the way the opposite to jealousy is COMPERSION, not the absence of jealousy.

ISN’T IT COLD IN THERE AND DEVOID OF LOVE AND TRUST ?

Again, the answer is that the whole point of connecting with other humans is about friendships built firstly on trust and eventually an exhibition of that loving affection, even if it is for some years of pounding away at a random until they cum …. and then eventually realising that sex is about all of it and affection is the golden goose we are all chasing first.

Seriously, no - its a beautiful place to be when you have more friends than a toxic series of limited ex-partners.

BUT I WANT THEM ALL TO MYSELF!

The fact is that no one person can meet all our needs and especially not all four quadrants at once - physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual.

Lovers are important and love is important and to the inclusion of all others is the only way forward for humanity. Not this bullshit State owned and religiously paedophilic decree that ‘to the exclusion of all others you will suffer unless you manipulate the situation quickly’.

Then again I also have friends who have been married for decades … well I did but they have recently started hating each other too. Yes, selfish is what fairytales are made of. As a princess we are promised all sorts of things and end up kissing frogs and as a prince if you’re not good looking then all you are entitled to do is mope. As a capitalist pig consumer you get all you want with money and you get fat too.

As a selfish bitch all you are is a pig-headed ego monster capable of much harm. As a beer swilling cheating bastard all you get is a bitching, moaning, partner from hell. It all sounds familiar doesn’t it? 

SOUNDS LIKE YOU JUST WANT YOU WANT THE FULL CAKE AND TO EAT IT TOO?

Totally. I’m not prepared to get married to know I can connect physically with someone I adore or even if I am just curious to know what they would be like in bed.

I do not own my Wife and I don’t even use the term ‘partner’, rather I use ‘twin-flame’, ‘companion’ or ‘lover’. It certainly makes a difference in social gatherings when I introduce him/her as ‘my lover, witness in life’.

He/she wont become my hot-wife and no I’ll not need FWBs. Nor will I have to suffer ONS or be subject to the depravities of cuckolding. Nor will we be swinging as fat fifty year olds nor building a leather and lace dungeon in the basement. 

YOU GET YOUR PARTNER AND I’D JUST BE THE THIRD SPOKE IN THE WHEEL THOUGH… 

If you choose to think of it like that then yes you will. Or the fourth spoke.

Then again, who is to say your connections with others is not the primary relationship anyway? In fact, which is the core relationship? the couple or the singles? Together.

ITS ALL BULLSHIT THIS ETHICAL MONOGAMY ANYWAY…

Well according to the definition “… Non-monogamy at its most basic is a relationship that involves more than two people.

‘Ethical" non-monogamy’ implies that all parties are being treated respectfully, and that enthusiastic consent to the arrangement has been given by everyone involved.”

It’s highly likely you’ve actually not connected with others in this way before out of fear and anger so why not inform yourself with some terms that others have come up with to navigate through their love worlds - have a read of this first before you cast your downer on others - CBC’s ‘We asked 4 ethically non-monogamous daters what their terms are’.

OH… AND AREN’T YOU JUST ONE BIG WALKING STD?

Well … safe sex is exactly that.

Regular health checks are far more than most monogamous couples responsibly live by because of the perception they are safe. From what?

The statistics show that ‘… according to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, national surveys indicate that at least and more than 15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men or more have had extramarital affairs. The incidence is about 20 percent higher when emotional and sexual relationships without intercourse are included’.

Those statistics are derived from reported verifiable data yet, the majority of cheating goes on unreported so you could in reality easily double that statistic outcome. Likewise, who are you kidding? When you get into fight mode with your partner isn’t it just easier to speak with someone nice … and eventually fuck them?

In summary, I’m engaged with lots of people at any given time in what could be construed as friendships, fuck-buddies, friends-with-benefits, musings, flirting etc etc. I’m happy connecting with amazing people and many of them have become my long term friends. They sometimes grow and disappear, return and we start all over again.

And another thing … I know a man who waited till he was 70 years old to come out as a gay man, only to realise that love is where it is at and he always could. That being free is to be and all of you, not just the looking good you.

Libre D'être.