Compersion
‘Compersion’ : Source Unknown
ACTION
It has taken me almost two years to actually grasp ... or better still, understand fully what the act of 'compersion' means. Of course there is no way of fully knowing what true compersion means until you have experienced and have embodied a sense of what the opposite to jealousy entails in reality.
As we grow and change in life as adults I consider it is important (even the investigation of the meaning can be a conflictual point in a partnership) that is articulated with our partner. Magali and I began doing so in conversation very early on in our connection, we thought timely given what we are both experiencing in life at that point in time and in all times ever since.
MEANING
According to the Urban Dictionary (I cant find it written up in any other dictionaries) the true meaning of comperison is;
"... A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship."
This differs entirely from the topic of cuckolding and from the concept of submission which is not something I’m enraptured with in any human relatedness. Nor can it be said that those in a ‘hot-wife’ or ‘swinger’ relationship are not able to experience compersion either, as the act of love and self realisation of freedom is arrived at from many differing forms of human relatedness.
I can literally hear the audible breath being taken in by some people reading this as the concept of compersion quite literally goes against every single principle in the Christian Judaic religion. Compersion also seems to be foreign to any singular relationship status which complies with the decree of ownership arrived at the through the statute of marriage
Excuse the blasphemy but for God's sake who invented this vestige of hateful relatedness?
If you have the time, here is an article worth reading on the topic of compersion over at the Huffington Post.
POLYAMORY
From what I can understand the term ‘compersion’ is derivative of the ethos of polyamory, essentially where an individual has not one sexual partner in any combination or variety of configurations.
I have my own grave reservations as to whether true polyamory can work particularly where one of the 'trouple' is a third spoke in the wheel ... but it is possible and I have met a number of ‘trouples’ who claim that it does work too.
The Huffington Post article also provides an example of how a couple are discussing his connection with a lover the night before and the partner, a woman, recognises and observes the enraptured, engaged and animated person she once knew in her husband to be when they were first dating. The woman has remarkably found the capability to accept her jealousy, allow that feeling, move past her fear of abandonment or rejection, unlock her feelings of genuine excitement at a physical and emotional level and at the same time be present to her boyfriend who ‘society’ would have deemed his actions as "cheating".
SHARING
If we consider the woman in the article, within that context the act of ‘sharing’ her husband was an incredibly powerful and autonomous state of freedom for herself. In that case not only is she happy that her partner is having sex with others and enjoying himself, she is actually enjoying relating to his experiences ... and perhaps getting sexually excited herself as a result.
That doesn't necessarily mean she's voyeuristic either. It could also mean (although rarely the case) that she might join him with those lovers at some point too - under no obligation or pressure to do so of course.
For me to achieve that state, that liberated feeling of freedom to feel beyond what society would have us think is normal, restricted, exclusive ... to actually live in an open and SHARING relationship (as opposed to dont-ask-dont-tell) then the whole world suddenly and surely becomes different. The sex is obviously an exciting allure but at the core, for me, the metaphysical gravitas of this way of living profoundly changes the ground rules on what it means to be in a partnership - it fundamentally changes all aspects of a couples relatedness.
MARRIAGE
In my case I left a boring, serial, relentlessly monogamous marriage where intimacy was lost due to the state of "owned" that I felt. Note here that I am taking responsibility for how I felt and expressing it from my perspective, which differs of course to what my ‘wife’ felt at that time as a person.
I also take responsibility for the explorations I found myself in at the conclusion of our marriage which led to our separation. Nothing to this day takes away from my own experience of fear in losing connection with my intimate partner, my wife, then the consequential feelings after the reprimand, rebuke, statements of rejection and eventual abandonment of the principles of marriage ever since. The truth is harder to face when these realisations happen in the company of a new lover.
Then add another human being and the act of ‘threesome’ takes on a cataclysmic force and in that the whole world changed for me. At that point I still had not experienced nor understood what compersion was.
In my life to that age of 40 it had been drummed into me from birth that a man ‘takes’ a woman as his wife and for ever more till the day they die ... they have to put up with each other and generally live out a sexless and boring life together. Thats not always the case I agree but thats the exception to the norm of seven years, two kids and a divorce later - the magic formulae which defines marriage it seems ‘on average’.
MONOGAMY
I had quite literally moved from a serial monogamous state and repeated it over and over knowingly. I have always thought that the state of compersion to be intellectually possible but impossible in the everyday practical sense. The excitement that it brings me is also heavily balanced with conditioned fear and guilt.
Well in a relatedness filled with compersion, things such as infidelity are null and void. Jealousy still exists as it is an emotional state and an important instinctual feeling of loss if your headspace is low. It means the partnership is always on charge, dynamic and open.
Then there is the practical considerations of what combinations excite one's partner and who in actual fact is benefitting most from the activity!
LOVE
So this act of love, the act of compersion which is meaningful, intentful and deliberate seems to be the way that highly intellectual, highly sexual and high achievers seem to ensure that their own relatedness is healthy. It's not a relationship - that term just became redundant as this is a new way of living and being free at the core of what so many supposedly "good marriages" fester ... infidelity.
This now brings me back to my own personal journey and where the character in the article is metaphorically speaking, me.
It seems that the woman in the article is having as much fun or more than her partner who is now relaxed, relieved and rejuvinated. By the way I don't see this as a gender specific nor identity related phenomena. It is spoken about as being possible and preferable across all variants of humanity.
LOVERS
The mere thought of having (permissibly and encouraged) multiple lovers fills me with a faint fear and light headedness ... but also as some might say in a macabre way, a deep soulful relief. Compersion is arrived at though a massive, massive shift in a life that is otherwise locked up in one modality - monogamy.
It was in my experience that the married state of monogamy was gut wrenchingly boring. I had thought at the time that a new state of compersion whilst tough emotionally would build resilience, emotional resilience, would bring honesty and love back into my connections with others, but I sure wasnt expecting the level of personal self growth I would have to endure to get there.
SELF
I think compersion demands the way to go. To experience compersion means letting go and letting go continuously of the predetermined ways we are conditioned to be in a western society, with even deeper resolves required to rid the entire concept of religion for some people, in some cases impossibly entwined with cultural identity.
I still consider that in the process of seeking compersion it cannot be truely arrived at until that genuine, excitable feeling and human act of generosity, of power gathering, sharing, caring and connecting is firstly given to ourself. When we love ourself deeply enough we have the capacity to share ourself with others and allow others to share themselves with others too as a result of that higher sense of awareness of love.
